Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Things I Still Don't Understand About the 80s

Sure we all know the obvious ones like mullets, Dynasty, frosted blue eyeshadow, and the New Kids on the Block cartoon, but here are some others you may have not thought of in awhile.

1. "This is your brain on drugs."
Was it only me or did anyone else try to imagine your brain as
an egg in a frying pan and think it looked fun?

2. "My Two Dads"
This was a real sitcom that revolved around a girl whose mom had
died and either of two men could have been her dad. So, what do they
do? They all move in together so they can both raise her. I think
there was an episode where they were going to take a paternity test,
but decided against it, because at that point, she loved them both.

3. The Pencil Test - not just for your boobs, anymore
The way we knew we'd sprayed our skyscraper bangs perfectly into
place was when we could put a pencil in them and it wouldn't fall out.

4. "Wax on, wax off" - Wait, nevermind. This one is finally starting
to make sense to me. Miyagi would be so proud.

5. Max Headroom
From Coke commercials to his own TV show. This disembodied head
was going places.

6. "By the power of Grayskull...I have the power!"
Let's just ignore the latent phallic symbolism of He-Man
unsheathing his sword.

7. "Conjunction-junction, what's your function?"
Sure, these were mildly entertaining to watch on Saturday
mornings, but what did we learn from them? When I think of opening up
my adjectives, I feel like I should beat someone with them. On the
other hand, I did learn how a bill becomes a law.

8. The flux-capacitator
Where do you find these? I always wanted one.

9. Tony Micelli
The buff housekeeper. And yet, it was many years before Angela
finally took advantage of all of his domestic skills.

10. Vixen
..> The one-hit female hair band. You may remember their song,
"Living on the Edge of a Broken Heart". Or, you might not. I
wouldn't blame you. When I first saw a picture of them in a magazine,
they were wearing sunglasses and it was hard to distinguish them from
the male hair bands at the time. Those were rather gender-bent times.

11. You were really cool if you could do the Moonwalk.

12. We thought George Michael was straight and that Michael Jackson
was just your average guy who happened to like to grab his crotch for

13. Why did they put shoulder pads in women's clothing? Should women have unnaturally high shoulders? I'm glad I had the sense to cut them out of mine even back then.

And, finally....

(Unless you like to feel like you're in an elevator.)